gargle

I think patience is key right now.

I need to be patient. Time will work itself out.

God will show mercy, and he will show answers.

"Just keep your head up."

Thats what I tell myself.

I want to move, I want to get away from Joplin, but first I need to get a firm foot through the doors of college. I need to not procrastinate, and I need to study.

I have been really anxious over the past couple days just trying to prepare myself for college again. I need to go buy some notebooks, binders, pens, paper and whatever else is needed. I need to buy more books and pay Aaron for the ones he is giving me. 

Im grateful for him by the way. I think I have seemed detached the last couple of days.

Im just tired of being at my house. I love my mom, but I hate being talked to like a little kid.

Im 20 years old, I don't know what she is going to do whenever I move out. Or when she moves.

At the same time what am I going to do.

Blarg.

I need to go to church again more, and stop slacking. I've not been pursuing Christ like I should be. Not enough anyways. I need to do more then just pray at night before I sleep. 

I need to open my heart to more people. Instead of holding up a wall that puts me off to be a huge asshole.

I need to stop cursing, I need to change so many things it feels like sometimes.

Why cant I seem to play into my life that there is nothing I can do to be good enough for heaven, or for God, or being saved.

That its scripture and faith and grace alone.

Nothing else.

AHHH..

Im just so frustrated. I've just been trying to think of ways to be a better person, and I've been overly self critical that I seem to be bringing myself down.

I need to sleep, to pray, to read my bible.

I just don't know where to start. 

Discouraged about a lot of things right now.

Frustrated at a lot of people, and myself.

I need to open my heart, my eyes. Myself.

I cant put up a wall.

I cant continue to have fear of being weak or vunerable.

Sometimes though, hiding my heart is the only think i can find myself able to do.

Only because of a complete fear of hurting it myself.

I need to stop sitting here and critisizing myself.

I need to just sleep.

Pray.

Breathe and be happy.

Have faith.

I know that God works everything out

He alone is why I am saved, there is nothing I can do to make myself worthy,

just only accept it as it is.

sorry this was so long

Paz and Love.

Dianna